Why?

Even though I have no school spirit or allegance, I do still have friends at Cranford High School. My last "little one". My freind Zack is a senior this year, and I've been back to visit once already to see the fall show, and tonight is the choir concert. This is a little more intimidating for me because when I went to see the fall show, I went to the senior performance, sat in my seat, and said hi to him after the show. Tonight when I go I'll actually be going up onstage to join the other alumni and sing. Tonight there will be other people that I know there. People who aren't my friends, and who I know are judging me.

I've put on a lot of weight since graduating for high school. To the point where I'm getting disgusted with myself. I actually went out and bought a girdle yesterday because I can't stand the thought of going back to my high school and people seeing that I've gotten fat. I bought a new shirt that would hide my hips and my arms. I paid to get my eyebrows done and my hair cut. I'm planning out my day so that I'll have time to go home and do my makeup and hair before the concert. Even though I don't really have extra money to spend, I'm going to DSW to buy a new pair of heels.

And all of this is because I feel like I need to impress people who don't factor into my daily life whatsoever. Because I feel like maybe people will think that even though I haven't gotten any good acting jobs since graduation, at least I look good.

I really hope that one day I can be the kind of person who can say "Who gives a fuck what they think?"
Because right now, the answer is "me".

School Spirit?

I was driving through downtown Cranford the other day, and I passed the store that sells Cranford merchandise. It had a sign outside that said, "Order your State Champion Cougar Apparel Today!", because for the first time in, I think the history of the school, the Cranford Cougars won the football state championship. And as I was driving, I realized that I couldn't care less. I had seen facebook statuses that whole week from alumni wishing the team luck in the big game, and I just had no opinion on the event whatsoever. It was then that I realized, I have no school spirit.

When I was in high school, I went to the football games to hang out with my freinds in the band, not to watch the game. I went to maybe one other sporting event if my friend was playing on the team, but other than choir and the plays, I had nothing to do with my school's extra curricular activities. Pep rallies (or "spirt days" as we called them, because "pep rally" brings to mind cliques and popularity contests) were just excuses to get out of class goof off. The only t-shirts I saved from high scool were my powder puff football shirts, and only because they had my nicknames on them. I couldn't wait to get out of high school and go to college, and feel what I'd been lead to believe you were supposed to feel about your school.

Nothing changed in college. Asside from the friends I made while I was there (who I wouldn't trade for anything in the world), I feel like going to college was the biggest mistake I've ever made. I gave up my carreer that I had worked for seven years to establish, as well as all of my contacts in the industry, to go to school and be told that I was doing everything wrong. I was made to doubt my god-given abilities, and feel inferior for not knowing as much as they thought I should. I found it mind-boggling that I had professional credits on my resume, probably more than any other student there, but I was not good enough to be cast in their shows. Because of their "training", I took several steps backwards, not only in my carreer, but also in my level of confidence and abilities. I haven't taken a dance class in almost 4 years because there just wasn't the time or the money, and the lack of money has made it hard to afford voice lessons as well. I'm now going on open call auditions, which have given me no hope of ever getting cast in anything. My mother told me that I had to go to college and get a degree in something. I should have gone to Union County College for two years, gotten my associates degree in something, and continued going on auditions and working. But no, my mother wanted me to go away and get the "college experience".

My so called "college experience" consisted of me trying to live with roommates for three years, and coming home or going to AJ's every weekend because I couldn't live with them, and spending the days sitting in my room wishing I had better things to do. It consisted of me working part time jobs that I hated,  feeling like an outcast because asside from the 14 people in my acting group, I didn't really know anyone, and commuting my final year so that maybe it would feel like I wasn't actually spending every day being miserable. I didn't go to a single sporting event, or "red hawk day", or any kind of extra curricular activity (once again excluding theater). I hated my college experience. In the acting world, having a degree in theater doesn't mean anything. All it means is that you payed a shit ton of money to be able to put the letters "BFA" on your resume. I could have gone to cosmotology school and gotten trained to do hair and makeup, something that I would actually enjoy doing (and plan on doing if acting doesn't pan out). Graduation day was one of the happiest days of my life. I had no desire to join the alumni association or get any more emails from Montclair. I haven't been up there since the day of graduation, and I probably won't ever go back again.

Claire loved going to Rutgers so much that fourty-something years later, her car is still covered in Rutgers bumper stickers. Half of her wardrobe is Rutgers t-shirts, and she carries her Rutgers alumni card on her keychain. Kodi loved Montclair so much that she went back to work for them full time.

There are times when I wish I knew what that feels like.

There are other times when I wish I woudn't have listened when everyone told me how much I would regret not going to college.

Getting back into the swing of things

So yesterday I had a huge audition. I was going in for an open call for the role of Cosette in the upcoming Les Mis movie. I was pretty excited about it, because it was a HUGE oppurtunity. So I got in, signed up, was number 121 out of almost 400 girls, and sat and waited.
The casting director came in and made an announcement, that they had such specific casting directions from London that rather than wasting everyone's time, they were going to call us in in groups of about 25 and "type us", and if we didn't fit what they were looking for, they wouldn't keep us around to sing. I unfortunately got "typed out", but I didn't mind. I'd rather that happened than I spent the entire day waiting around and then found out I wasn't what they were looking for. Or that I sang and then sat around wondering what I could have done better when I didn't get cast. I'd rather know I didn't get it because of something that's beyond my control.

And even though I didn't even get to sing, I'm glad I went. It lit a fire under me to get back out and into auditions. I know this is what I want to do and was meant to do, and I know that my big break is out there somewhere. Everyone has one, you just have to be in the right place at the right time. I don't want to miss mine.
It also lit a fire under me to stop making excuses and realize that I've put on weight, and the only one who can do anything about that fact is me. I need to start exercising regularly, and stop sitting around on my ass eating junk food all day. I need to start taking better care of my skin, my teeth, and my apperance all together. I need to look like the person that I want to look like.

So here we go. I know I make this resolution all the time and then don't follow through with it for more than a week, but now I know that I have to get serious. I've got a lot of things working against me in this business, and I need to take control of the ones that I can control.

My left hand feels naked...

I've been wearing my claddagh ring and the other ring that AJ gave me our first year on my left hand for almost five years now. I know that you're not supposed to wear anything on your left ring finger other than your engagement and wedding rings, but I've always considered my claddagh to be an engagement ring, or if you want to call it a 'promise ring', because AJ and I have known that we want to get married for years.

But, when the man you plan on marrying starts a conversation with "You know that I'm going to be proposing to you sometime within the next six months, right?", as weird as it feels, it's time to move the rings off of the left hand, and avoid that awkward moment of him having to pull the other ring off of your finger to get the engagement ring onto it. Or the awkward moment where the engagement ring doesn't fit because of the impression the other ring has left in your finger.

He not so subtally let me know when and where he was going to be proposing to me.

He asked me if I was open to something public, or if I would rather a private proposal. I said it didn't matter to me, I just wanted the moment to feel right to him. He said, "Ok, so you wouldn't mind if it was outside, like *mumbles 'Cinderella Castle' under his breath*. I told him "Ok, stop telling me! I don't want to know! I don't want to be expecting it!" Although now I will be planning my wardrobe for Disney World ever so carefully.
I told him I only had three rules for the proposal. Don't propose to me on the jumbotron at a sporting event, don't put the ring inside food, and "God help you if you propose to me with a flash mob!"

6 months until we go to Disney World!

Moving In and Growing Up

So I've been officially living with AJ for a week now (I'm still not officially moved out yet, because half of my things are still at my mom's house). It's seriously the most amazing thing in the world. Everything we do now is "us". There's no more "Ok, so I'll pay for dinner tonight and you pay for the movies tomorrow", or "can you cover me tonight?" or "can you drive, I'm low on gas". We're paying for stuff together. My bank account is actually flipping out and sending me notifications because it's never had that much money in it. Last night we went out to dinner, ordered wine, and just had a nice night out. (Also, random thing - I don't ever get carded anymore. I find that really weird. I would card me.)
Suddenly our relationship has just jumped to this whole other level. It's not that we weren't serious before, but now we're really an adult couple. I don't feel like a kid anymore. I feel like an adult.
I've been decorating the apartment and cleaning and moving furnature around and everything since I moved in. No more batchelor pad for AJ. And he keeps telling me how much he loves it and how much he loves coming home to me.
But on the downside, the place is still so freaking small! I have a feeling a lot more of my stuff is going to have to be put in storage, because it just won't fit. But, the chances are looking pretty good that we'll be able to move into a bigger place soon. Drew and Jenna, who we met doing Superstar, are quickly becoming our best friends :) and we're thinking that moving in together would be a fantastic idea. We've found a place that's just about double what AJ and I are paying in rent now, but with utilities included. That would not only save us money, but give us a lot more space. The pool is also a plus!