I never really considered myself thin. I always had a little extra baby fat on my stomach and hips, and being a dancer, my thighs were always big. But it wasn't until I gained 22 lbs during the last three years of college and went to get new headshots taken that I really realized how skinny I actually was in high school. I was showing a friend at work pictures of me from 2007, because he didn't believe me when I said that I only weighed about 105 lbs when I graduated.
These photos are all from around prom and graduation. 5 years ago. I wore extra small shirts and size 2 pants.
Now I have to bring smalls and mediums into the dressing room when I try shirts on, and in pants I'm tetering on the edge of being a 6. I know to most people this sounds like I need to be told to shut up, but when you're not even 5 feet tall, it's a lot. I'm about 2 lbs over what nutrition guids say someone my height should weigh. But the problem is, none of that weight is muscle, it's all fat.
I wouldn't be so upset about it if it was just my body. I could dress to hide that. I have been for the past few years. Unfortunately, it's most evident in my face. Which means that I can't get new headshots until I lose weight.
This was my headshot from senior year of high school, and this was my headshot from senior year of college. The one from college has been retouched significantly, the one from high school has no retouching.
My biggest fear is that AJ is going to propose to me, and either someone will be there to take pictures or we'll get engagement pictures done afterwards, and all I'll see when I look at them is how fat my face was.
So I've started dieting and exercising. I'm testing my willpower with the Special K diet, and sofar it's been going pretty well. Although I do have to admit, I'm having my period and I'm craving weird things, so I did have some pistachio ice cream and skittles for breakfast one mornig. The exercising part, well, that could be going better. I got on the eliptical the other morning and the only thing that stopped me from getting off after five minutes was how embarrasing that would be. So I stayed on for 20 until I couldn't push myself to do anymore. I've purchased several dance workout videos, so hopefully those will be easier and more fun. I'll be able to start doing one today, since the incision on my stomach from my mole removal is finally healed. That is, if I can keep my energy up. That's my other problem; working 6 days a week at two different jobs leaves me pretty wiped out, and if I get home and sit down, it's over. I'm not getting back up. Hopefully, starting to exercise will give me more energy.
But I can already see an improvement in just my mood from taking action. I went shopping yesterday to try and finnish off a gift card by buying a shirt for Disney World, since I don't like the way most of my shirts look nowadays. I took as many as I could into the dressing room with me, and because I'd gotten so used to things not looking good, I wasn't expecting much. I ended up not even trying on the last thing I brought into the room with me, because I already found three shirts that looked great and that I wanted, and I wasn't actually planning on spending anything over what was on my gift card. I came home and modled them for AJ, and he got as excited as I was, because, as he said, it had been a long time since he'd seen me that happy.
So we'll see how things go. I'd like to lose more weight by the time we go to Disney, but that's only about 20 days away, so... like I said, we'll see. This is one of my favorite pictures of me that's ever been taken. I'd love to look like that again.
